October 02nd, 2020

​Steina's story 2
​
I had a big problem with the yarn. I was about to tie it together, but it always slipped off my knitting needles !
I decided to take a break from the work and sit down on the sofa in the lounge. The sofa was mustard yellow with brown stripes. It was soft and it was nice to sit on it. I leaned back into the sofa, put my feet on the round table. I was wearing red socks, which were shining in beautiful, bold colours, when I put my feet up in the air like that.
In front of me was a big window and through it, I saw the sea … if I paid attention I could heat the rhythm of sounds from waves, in the distance.
I have always loved the sound of the sea, I noticed that the sound from the sea was synchronising with my heartbeat. I focussed on the breathing, I inhaled and exhaled, in tune with the breathing of the sea, which made me become one with the sea.
That was a good feeling, it was as if I fell into the deep rhythm, that I felt my consciousness change, a kind of sleep, I thought. I felt my head becoming heavier, not a bad or un-well feeling, just a different one.
Some time passed, I don't know how long, but suddenly I heard like a voice in my head. I didn't know if it was my own voice, or somebody else's voice, it was difficult for me to tell.
I decided to concentrate on the voice in my head and try to understand what the voice or I were saying to me.
I focused for a little while, until I heard the voice again, saying: go down to the sea, I need your help !
I was wondering what this could be, whether I was talking or someone else. I decided to try again. I concentrated on the voice in my head and decided that if I heard the same as before, I would go down to the
sea to find out what it was or if there was anything, at all.
I focused inside my head and tried to keep all thoughts outside. There she was again 'the voice' end even clearer than before.
I need your help!
I got up from the comfortable softness of the sofa, which enveloped me when I sat in it, and called my dog Tito. He loved walking on the beach and I might as well bring him, as having him next to me also made me feel more secure.
I dressed warmly, winterjacket, gloves, cap, woolen socks and winterboots. It was windy and cold outside, and the snow was wet and cold like rain in winter.
We were walking towards the sea, Tito and I . It wasn't very far to walk, maybe 10 minutes to get there.
We went together next to each other,my dog Tito and I, with the wind and the cold rain in our faces. I saw the waves from the the sea, and they were big and powerful, why I didn't know. Finally, we got to the beach, and I looked along the coast. There was nothing to see.
We walked further and closer to the mountain. I focused towards the big cliffs, up towards the big mountain.
There something happened, I remembered as I was there on the beach, alone with my dog. Suddenly I felt a little fear in my stomach, which made me remember an event which took place a couple of years earlier, just there by the mountain.
It turned out that a young woman , who didn't know anybody in the town, disappeared in the cliffs. For many days they were looking for her from the city Reykjavik, but she has never been found. We in town thought that the sea had taken her, forever. I pushed these thoughts away and turned my attention towards Tito.
He seemed very quiet and satisfied with the unexpected trip.
Now we were almost there by the rocks, and then I saw something - something small, where the waves and the beach meet in a kiss. I walked further and it was a small, vulnerable seal pup. It was tiny and very unprotected.
I quickly found a place where I could tie Tito, so he didn't scare this little life, lying there so helplessly.
When I was sure that Tito was tied securely and couldn't get away I carefully approached the small seal pup.
I saw that he was afraid, but it was as if the sea embraced him and the waves rocked him back and forth to calm him. I sat down a little bit away from him, because I wanted to make sure that the waves couldn't reach me.
I gave myself time to look closely at this little life and spoke slowly to it. I looked into its eyes and saw the fear in them. I met him somewhere in my consciousness , but didn't quite know what to do.
I decided to close my eyes to find out, if I could talk to him, or hear his voice, like when I heard the voice before in my lounge, in the sofa. I closed my eyes and focused inside my head, like I had done before. I listened to the sound of the sea and the birds around me. I heard puffins and seagulls, but I also heard a scream from something else, another place.
Then the voice says in my head; Thank you for coming, can you help my child out into the deeper waves, so he can swim out where I will receive him and help him, until he can cope by himself.
I sat for a short while trying to recognize who was talking in my head. Then I realised it was the sea communicating with me, asking me for help !I decided not to think about it too much, but got up and walked slowly towards the little seal pup. He was terrified, screamed with fear, while beating his small seal hands about in the water, but his tummy was too big
for him to move backwards or forwards.
He was stuck
I stopped and wondered what I could do to get close to him, without scaring him, like I did now. I thought decisively and with focus on my little friend. As I did that it was as if something happened, which was so beautiful and which I hadn't experienced before. I felt as if we met in ourconsciousness in an understanding, which was deeper than I can explain. I looked into his eyes and spoke in my thoughts to my little friend, just like the voice had spoken to me before.
” Don't be afraid, I will help you out to sea, so the sea can help you to where your path is, into your future, which is only created for you, only you”.
I felt silence move inside me ER IKKE SIKKER PÅ DETTE ? And could feel that I was soothing him with my thoughts. I went to him and pushed him gently towards the sea. The waves did everything in their power to help, but I also felt that they didn't wish to take me with, like I had been afraid of earlier.
For a while we did this , the waves and I. I saw that the seal pup was now floating on a wave, which came. I felt another kind of wave,a wave of joy streaming through me. I also felt the the joy of the seal pup stream through my consciousness, and I felt the joy of the sea to receive one of its children and to be able to help it on its way.
For a little while I was standing with the experience of deep joy , from this event. I was so grateful that this was exactly the end of the event I experienced here and now, because for me a number of things could have happened. I don't know how long I was standing there, until I remembered that Tito was tied to a rock. I went across to him, saying his name. He was standing there so beautifully, his tail dancing in time with the steps I took towards him.
I sat down in the sand with my feet around Tito, who clearly showed that he wanted to be stroked– and I also wanted to do that after the lifeaffirming experience, we now shared with each other.
I buried my hands in his fur and felt the warmth from his body, and I also put my nose in his fur to smell his particular smell. Now we were lying next to each other and got another thought which made us create this new thought made us feel warm and secure with what was going to come.
I felt joy as if something had helped loosen firm knots, in me a knot which had now disappeared into eternity, and there was a feeling of happiness in my stomach. I was lying on my back in the sand and slept for a moment.
I saw the images come and go as in a film on a screen, memories which want to be remembered, even if I didn't want to remember them. They became more agressive, demanding my attention. I tried to push them away, but they didn't want to disappear, they wanted to be remembered. I found my resistance becoming weaker. What happened I don't know. I experienced myself as a light which is growing into a bigger light and then dissolves in the sand, in the sea, in the seal pup, in my dog, I am.
I had a big problem with the yarn. I was about to tie it together, but it always slipped off my knitting needles !
I decided to take a break from the work and sit down on the sofa in the lounge. The sofa was mustard yellow with brown stripes. It was soft and it was nice to sit on it. I leaned back into the sofa, put my feet on the circular table. I was wearing red socks, which were shining in beautiful, bold colours, when I put my feet up in the air like that.
In front of me was a big window and through it, I saw the sea … if I paid attention I could heat the rhythm of sounds from waves, in the distance.
I have always loved the sound of the sea, I noticed that the sound from the sea was synchronising with my heartbeat. I focussed on the breathing, I inhaled and exhaled, in tune with the breathing of the sea, which made me become one with the sea.
It was a good feeling, it was as if I fell into the deep rhythm, that I felt my consciousness change, a kind of sleep, I thought. I felt my head becoming heavier, not a bad or un-well feeling, just a different one.
Some time passed, I don't know how long, but suddenly I heard like a voice in my head. I didn't know if it was my own voice, or somebody else's voice, it was difficult for me to tell.
I decided to concentrate on the voice in my head and try to understand what the voice or I were saying to me.
I focused for a little while, until I heard the voice again, saying: go down to the sea, I need your help !
I was wondering what this could be, whether I was talking or someone else. I decided to try again. I concentrated on the voice in my head and decided that if I heard the same as before, I would go down to the sea to find out what it was or if there was anything, at all.
I focused inside my head and tried to keep all thoughts outside. There she was again 'the voice' end even clearer than before.
I need your help!
I got up from the comfortable softness of the sofa, which enveloped me when I sat in it, and called my dog Tito. He loved walking on the beach and I might as well bring him, as having him next to me also made me feel more secure.
I dressed warmly, winterjacket, gloves,cap, woolen socks and winterboots. It was windy and cold outside, and the snow was wet and cold like rain in winter.
We were walking towards the sea, Tito and I. It wasn't very far to walk, maybe 10 minutes to get there.
We went together next to each other,my dog Tito and I, with the wind and the cold rain in our faces. I saw the waves from the the sea, and they were big and powerful, why I didn't know. Finally, we got to the beach, and I looked along the coast. There was nothing to see.
We walked further and closer to the mountain. I focused towards the big cliffs, up towards the big mountain.
There something happened, I remembered as I was there on the beach, alone with my dog. Suddenly I felt a little fear in my stomach, which made me remember an event which took place a couple of years earlier, just there by the mountain.
It turned out that a young woman , who didn't know anybody in the town, disappeared in the cliffs. For many days they were looking for her from the city Reykjavik, but she has never been found. We in town thought that the sea had taken her, forever. I pushed these thoughts away and turned my attention towards Tito. He seemed very quiet and satisfied with the unexpected trip.
Now we were almost there by the rocks, and then I saw something - something small, where the waves and the beach meet in a kiss. I walked further and it was a small, vulnerable seal pup. It was tiny and very unprotected.
A bit further away and moving towards me, I saw Baldur, Brand and Solveig.They were exchanging many words and much laughter, and I waved to them. It wasn't often that I met my classmates here, on the beach.
They came running towards us and noticed our little friend, the Seal pup.
Brandur said straight away that we should run to town and get hold of an adult, because we would never be able to get the Seal pup back into the sea without the help of an adult ! We had also been told by the adults in town that we were always to get hold of an adult, if we found anything on the beach.
I didn't quite agree, but I didn't dare to say that.
Brandur and Solveig ran back to town, while I sat down with Baldur in the beautiful, black, black sand and we waited.
Tito sat down next to me, a little restless, because he wanted to run around and play.
But after a while he calmed down and seemed to sleep.
We didn't talk, just waited. Baldur turned towards the sea, he looked relaxed with lots of black hair, blowing in all directions, as the wind was blowing.
We saw a car driving along, leaving deep, dark traces in the black sand. It was a blue and white Land Rover.
We saw that Gummi was driving the car, a grown man from town and next to him Hakon was sitting, another grown man from town, and we saw that also Solveig and Baldur were there, sitting in the backseat.
The car drove up to us. Everybody came out and there was a kind of tension in the air, I sensed an unpleasant feeling inside, Tito also became agitated, not in a good way, I could see, his ears were lying flat along his head, he was afraid. Baldur and I got up.
Gummi: Hi what have you found now ?
Me: we found a seal pup, he can't get into the sea, he needs our help, we have to be several people to do it!
Hakon: good that you came and fetched us.
They were tense and it was as if they were looking forward to something, they also seemed excited and anticipating something or other.
I felt nervousness in my stomach.
The fear for what I was most afraid of.
Gummi: And now, my kids, it's best that you go home and we sort this out.
Me: but don't you intend to help him out ?
Hakon: No this is not possible, he will never survive. We have to put him down,that is the best in this situation.
I felt my fear erupt, you can't just kill him, I said with a small voice !
Hakon: well kids, now you go back to town!
I went over to the cliffs, with Tito next to me, placed my forehead against one of them, searching for something I couldn't get. I was beside myself, powerless against a decision which was so wrong, for the whole, a decision taken by adults, who thought they knew better, but they knew nothing and understood nothing!
I saw them walk towards the Seal pup with sticks in each hand, having a firm and decisive grip on the stick.
I saw the fear in the eyes of my little friend, even if I didn't see, I heard the waves roar in an attempt to change what could not be changed.
I saw the first blow and I heard the first blow.
I saw the second blow and I heard the second blow.
I felt despair erupt upwards from my stomach and I screamed, I shouted , everything which came up in my thoughts about life, death, people, nature, to be one with everything, and where we can start, but everything which came out disappeared in sounds which filled everything, the attempts of the sea to help, the little one trying to call for help, and the stick against the skin and the sound of adults breathing when they inhale power
Now I saw the small body lifeless in the sand, the waves were more quiet, despondent and the colour of blood was in the sand and the colours of blood were in the foam of the waves.
The waves passed, one by one to say goodby, and welcome.
I became aware of myself after a while. I felt like paralysed, I had experienced a letdown which left its marks.
I was lying on the sand, the black sand, I was one with the sand, with Tito's nose by my cheek, he was breathing life into my self, he was breathing out to the world and our mother.
I buried my hands in his fur and felt his life, the life of the world, from his skin , his warmth. Tito and I like lying close to each other. Now we were thinking the same thoughts, we were thinking about what we had just witnessed. It was like a massive grief in the stomach and in the throat, which shook my entire body and my entire childhood.
I slept for a moment.
I woke up after I don't know how long. Tito was there, and worried he looked at me.
I remembered my cooperation with the sea and with nature, and that thought gave me joy.
I got up and realised I was cold and wet. I had been there for a long time and had become soaking wet.
I took a couple of steps towards the sea and sent it gratitude for having called me, and I also sent gratitude to me, for having heard.
Even though it was dusk I saw blood in the sand, like a darker sand in the black sand. I knew for sure that these traces in the sand would help me remember, but I knew as it was that my little friend was on his way, into his way which was the way to him, my little friend !
A way I had re-created with my mother.

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